The Reasons why Remus is a prat and I should marry Charlie
by BumbleLellie
Summary: Nymphadora Tonks evaluates her obsessional love with Remus Lupin and wonders how much of his 'love' was real after he leaves her when Sirius dies. Hopefully a funny and honest rendition of a popular love story. I wish to cover all three of the last books so there's a while of this left yet!
1. Chapter 1

_**I know I should be working on my TWD stories but I cant get inspiration until the show starts again or I have time to watch it this summer, it's been too exam/family stress filled lately so I apologise, I will try to actually update soon! **_

_**But for now I am in France, the language of love, and have read all six HP books again and really wanted to do a bit of Tonks and Remus loving, so I have! The chapter will be little at times but see it as cute and I will hopefully update soon enough that I don't annoy you all! (I have already done the first 7-ish chapters)**_

He couldn't love me. Not only was he a total prat, but I myself was unable to be what he needed. He wanted a nice, demure, impoverished female werewolf he could mope about with, I know because he's more or less told me this himself. I'm not a poor, dangerous and aged werewolf. And I was there, obviously so. You see, rainbow coloured hair and an inability to compose myself for five minutes before falling over my own feet or breaking some crockery made not-being-there-but-being-there a very difficult manoeuvre. Men! And they say that women are hard to understand.

I should just marry Charlie. I think that like fifty times a day and then regret thinking it because it's hardly fair now is it? We went out in fifth year. And sixth year. Oh f-ing sod it, seventh year too. Then ''our lives took different paths'' and started only hooking up at Christmas, New Year's Day and Easter. God, it's weird to not talk to him you know, like the first person I ask advice from I can hardly ask about boy troubles because he's my very complicated and very much over ex. I loved Charlie, honestly I can say that I did. I just wasn't 'in' love with him, you know how they say it is?

I thought I knew love because I thought it got as good as it was; butterflies in my tummy for a few months, good company and hour long chats. Then you grow up a little and evaluate what the books say- alright, what all the soppy films say too (not that I've watched them, or have them on DVD) - and you realise you've just teetered on the edge a little bit. Charlie and I had quidditch in common, a love of adventurous sweets and a boisterous nature. That's why we're friends now, as I say it sounds cruel, but really it's for the best. I think, in all honesty, a marriage between a Tonks and a Weasley would result in a violent murder six months down the line.

That doesn't explain why I'm raving about wanting to marry him now does it? I'm scared, that's why. Charlie would protect me, love me and we'd have a laugh of a marriage before the rows kicked in and we realised we didn't know the first thing about settling down or being grown up. But that is far more attractive when I know that that prospect is with someone who is exactly the same as me. But Remus, the guy I'm disgustingly fawning over, he's the reverse. He's reluctant to not only to protect me, but is adamant not to love me. Though I could listen to him all day, even his shouting, he could teach me just how to act like a grown up, how to be sensible and smart like he is.

He's everything I don't want in a man. Like all the men my mother chooses for me. He talks about books, actually sits there reading and treasuring the bloody things like they were his friends. Oh, and like that sarcastic humour the smarter variety of bullies always use. He's indecisive and fumbling and doesn't know what the hell he wants even when it's standing right in front of him. He's a commitment-a-phobe old dodderer. And I hate him, I absolutely hate him. Except I don't. Uh! His book thing is actually weirdly endearing, hearing him read out loud is even better. And his humour is just dry, witty usually and well-timed so you don't expect it- inappropriate sometimes but somehow I liked being caught off-guard by his roguish smile, it makes him seem so vulnerable and young. And I can't blame him, not really, for not wanting to love me.

I mean I'm a bit of a package deal with my mother (she buts in at every opportunity) and I always thought I'd be the darkest creature in any match (being able to colour my eyebrows at will), but I have my merits too, not entirely sure where but there must be. I'll ask Charlie when he's next home. But I did love him, I do love him, and maybe I'm not so naïve to be wrong in knowing- hoping- he rather fancied me too.

We met in the Order. Of course we met in the Order. This is the point where normally there'd be a pointless interjection from Molly, or Remus himself, stating how the exhilaration of war makes people rush into things they don't mean. Anyway, it was the first time back, seeing my beloved, albeit incarcerated-for-fourteen-years-of-my-life, cousin. We were busy hugging and laughing in some grotty kitchen, reliving old memories and trying to collaborate the young child and smiling man that we once were with the people in front of us now; exhausted, worried and frankly just old. There was no one else around me, not the aurors I knew or the familiar sights of the Weasleys who greeted me with great enthusiasm considering that they rarely saw me in non-skimpy outfits and draped in their son's arm. Unfortunately, that meant that I wasn't looking at what else there was in the room either, one step back and I felt myself catch the heel of my foot on a chair. I'm knowledgeable enough in falls, accidents and oopsies to recognise when I'm weightless and to brace myself for a pain across my back and bum.

Only the pain never came, not on my back or bum at least. In fact it was a very suave and very soft catch, surely would've been the most romantic swoon-and-grab of the century had there been a bit more forethought. Instead my head shot up in shock (okay so maybe the blame is on me) and hit his with, to this day, the most sickening thwacking noise I've ever experienced. He was knocked off his feet, and me not being on my own feet, fell with him. We were a tangled mess on the floor, both groaning (not in the good way- later dear reader!) and clawing for a way up.

Molly, the dear soul, she was over in a hurry. No one but a mother could detangle the offending limbs and we were left on the grotty kitchen floor, staring at the equally disgusting ceiling and grimacing for where it hurt. And it hurt everywhere. Sirius, seeing us both unbloodied and conscious, burst into loud guffaws which were echoed by the few other present members of the order. Remus, or the mystery man that he was up to this point, looked across at me with a concerned look of horror. I would have under any other circumstances reeled out excuses and apologies about my inability to show any poise and take total sure they knew it was my fault and my fault alone. Only his eyes were this weird amber-brown-flecky mix that were mesmerising. I got tongue-tied. This had never happened before, and so you must rather pity me in my nativity in trying to speak, which came out as a strongly high-pitched blubber.

The shock to the poor man's face! I think he thought he had knocked all good sense out of me, not knowing that there was none present to knock out in the first place. He shot up, his eyes going glassy with the force of it and Molly's protests, dusted himself off and offered me a very gentle hand. His hands are soft, and wrinkled, like worn paper. He steadied me with a hand on the small of my back, like you would a lady, and for a fleeting moment I remember thinking that if this is how delicate people are treated I might just try a little bit harder in future.

It was a lovely moment, and probably the reason I can unequivocally say that I was very much smitten with Remus Lupin the first time I saw him. Often, when I'm sat in the Hog's Head with only Aberforth's company after my duties I think about that first meeting. Most importantly I like to imagine how wonderful a flirt we could have had not Sirius chosen that exact moment to interject.

''I thought that werewolves only attacked beautiful young ladies on the night of a full moon.'' He fluttered his eyelashes in a ridiculous fashion, that I'm sure was meant to show innocence rather than insensitivity. But it was enough for stupid prat Remus to remove his hand like I burnt him and go an impressive shade of fuchsia.

Looking back now I like to think how long it would've taken for him to tell me in his own time. I asked Sirius once and he said I'd be about ninety and laying in my death-bed as he apologised and muttered more excuses. Thoughts like that make me sad. I always put them with the embarrassed and distraught face he made that day, looking at the floor and apologising under his breath for the insensitivity. It's a bearable disease you know, and being hardly normal myself, I would like to think I'm more open to accepting those who the community normal judge.

''Thank you.'' My voice was strong for the confusion I felt at his reaction. Even then I couldn't believe that this poor man suffered such trials, though was unfazed by the information. Maybe Sirius had mentioned it, or his eyes struck so deep into me that I accepted the werewolf thing near instantly.

He looked up at my voice, giving a half confused smile and then offered me a warm hand for a formal greeting. Though I could now laugh at his pompous nature, I thought then that he was offering due to the simple awkwardness of our meeting, but I should've somehow known even then that he was the type of man to have to introduce himself in the proper way.

Sometimes I like to consider how we met, colliding into each other really. That's what it felt like too. Remus never 'came' into my life as such, he entered abruptly turning everything on its metaphorical head and messed up what I thought I knew and what I didn't know was necessary for survival. It was like being told that I had been breathing wrong for the last twenty-four years and delivered my first lung-full of fresh air. He does that to you.

Of course a lung full of open life come with its negatives as well as the positive you might be imagining. Yes, I learnt what the grass felt like and how blue the sky can be when you're in love, but I also suffered extraordinarily. Neglect, distance and loss were somehow sharper more important. I could see more of the world than from behind my old window, but I could see the suffering too. And I cared more. And I increasingly ha less and less to do.

If you've never suffered that way then you're lucky. The feeling of grasping with bleeding finger nails onto being any use, as you watch yourself become depleted; unhelpful as everyone else is screaming to their own minds torture. I guess that's how Sirius was, and, trust me, I pity him for that above all else. In fact sometimes I think it's good he passed so easily so he no longer felt that way, another few years would've been torture in that house. Free spirits should not live in brick-propaganda cages.


	2. Chapter 2

I spent a lot of time with Sirius. Fourteen years of his name being shushed hurriedly in our house hadn't quite replaced the memories of Uncle Siri babysitting. He was fun, freer back then. And I loved him, loved him with the rationality of a child. They told me that he was a bad man, he hurt people and I was lucky that he never turned on his own family. Still, some part of me couldn't match up that man with the one who gave me piggy-backs and let me stay up late, so, as children do, I thought they must be wrong. Naïve ignorance, a stubborn willingness to not believe actually came into fruition, who would've thought? Maybe then, that's why I was able to let him back into my life so easily.

It was during these times, I suppose that I began my transition from Tonks, auror and klutz, to something altogether more grown-up, more elegant and more beautiful. All adjectives, I assure you, I never thought could be used to describe me. Though I was never fully matured, seamlessly elegant or beautiful he made me more so, his own attributes rubbing off, buffing me into this person like I was clay waiting for him. As if I was waiting in the ground for hundreds upon hundreds of years simply for the purpose of his creation. I resent him for it, but yet, it seemed like fate. He made me Dora. He made me his, yet wouldn't claim me. So I waited, a nameless masterpiece.

From a feminist point of view this frustrates me. I was never the kind to sit and wait around for a man, let alone anyone at all. No, I was supposed to be independent. I owned my own flat, had my own job and salary, my own style. Hell, with the rarity of my gifts I basically was my own species.

Oh great, I was talking about Sirius and it all came back to him. It's always like that- no matter what I'm talking about, or thinking about for that matter. My cousin and I spent more and more time together after our first meeting. I stayed after that first meeting and was a frequent 'drop-inner' over the next week. Of course, (and I shall be careful to keep on point) Remus was usually doddering around somewhere or another in Grimmauld place, so I began to see him more often too. But I can honestly say with very little doubt my predominant reasons for visiting Grimmauld place was to see Sirius. (Seeing Remus was more like a Christmas bonus.)

''So my little nymph, got any men going? A dashing auror friend? A school sweetheart? A criminal but all so charming cousin you've been abstinent for?'' Sirius leant forward with a cheeky grin, slopping spirit down his front and barking out a sharp laugh.

I enjoyed spending time with Sirius, it was nice to catch up with him, and admittedly we egged each other into a selfish childish state that was good for the both of us. He seemed to lighten up a tad from the recesses of his mind, the ones that only Azkaban leaves on a person. Plus, sometimes we'd sit with Remus too, and then I'd get anecdotes of school days and flashing glimpses of the personal side of the old werewolf who never offered anything of his personal life or views until it seemed you survived a war and mourned three friends together.

''It hardly seems like any of your business now does it? But I will please you in answering anyway since you're giving me that look. Aurors are old and grouchy men. School day loves broke messily. And eww, we're too related for that to be even contemplated, though I'm sure you'd feel very lucky.'' I sipped my own drink, realising it was definitely stronger than the last gulp I took, my suspicions were confirmed by a floating bottle fitting carefully back into the shelf.

''Why ever not? I mean, you've got to be a real catch for the men.'' He winked at me, hiding at stupid lewd smirk behind the rim of his glass. There was a creek from the stairs and he flicked his eyes to the door as if wanting to have another row with poor Kreature.

''Yeah,'' I snorted sarcastically, ''just what you want 'alright looking' until a month later you realise they're a dark creature-''

The door of the kitchen opened quite suddenly, Remus came through with a lowered gaze and asked in a hoarse voice to speak to Sirius outside in the hall. It was a voice that held no argument and the request was so polite that Sirius looked taken aback for a good few seconds before settling his glass on the heavy wooden table and loudly exiting loudly.

Now I was well aware the desired effect of being in the hall was so that I didn't over hear. But I'm nosy and very over curious. It's a hazard with me, and really one of them should have known I'd stealthily (as possible on Sirius' strong stuff and being me) slid over to the kitchen door. It wasn't closed properly, and happily to my eaves-dropping I saw they hadn't got anywhere near the hall before their conversation took place, choosing to stand instead on the rickety wooden stairs. I'm fairly certain the groaning of such covered my own sound-blunders.

''I would, I mean- would you please dignify yourself to not tease me when I'm in earshot?'' Remus' face was pale, the scars across his nose blanching out against the only colour in his face of two pink blotched cheeks. His voice was low and an arm was rested against the wall, leaning in and threatening Sirius. I knew that I should get away from the door, and that the poor man would be mortified further if he saw me here, yet I couldn't bear to see either of the two in such hostility.

''Woah- Moony! That time of the month?'' Sirius chuckled to himself and tried to move from under Remus' arm, who just lowered it impossibly short and glared back. Caught between the confidences of his dearly beloved cousin and possibly losing his oldest and last friend I saw him crack, and there was nothing else that he could've done.

''Okay, okay! Look we weren't snickering about you.'' His hands were held up in small surrender, the little smile disappeared for a seriously serious Sirius face.

''Oh really, then pray tell what other dark creature you would gossip about so inconspicuously.'' It was bitter, a tone I haven't ever heard him use again and even in that moment I saw that the anger was thinly veiling the embarrassment and hurt that he was feeling on a much deeper level.

Something made me come out the shadows, I opened the door slowly, just needing him to understand. The light flooded into the awkward positon of the two of them in the darkness of a stair case. Remus' eyes glowed menacingly in the new light and Sirius had a worried look of apprehension on his face that made me think he knew I was there the whole time and he had been hoping I wasn't going to do exactly what I had just done.

''Remus- we, we weren't talking about you. Honestly-'' my voice was small and shaky, the youth I had on my side gave an uncertainty and abash nature that can't be easily misplaced by the passion I wanted to inject into the conversation. I had barely stumbled up one step and offered a weak smile before he cut me off with a silencing hand. Oh that hand, how I wanted to snap every one of those beautiful fingers for treating me like a child!

''Honestly, you're as bad as he is. I don't appreciate you lying to my face, Nymphadora.'' He spat his words, removing his hand off the wall near Sirius' crouched ear and stormed off up the stairs.

Again that ridiculous impulsivity coursed through me making me run up after his stupid arse. I was flaring with anger, having the Black temperament. My feet hit the steps loudly, echoing my thumping heartbeat and the blood rushing round my brain. In some ways I felt just like a teenager again, running away from my mother to my bedroom to find comfort in old knickknacks and familiar bedding. Only Remus wasn't old or familiar, certainly he hadn't offered me comfort when not in self-induced pain or hung over.

''Remus!''

He refused to reply to his name, but he was now aware of how close behind I was, and the very fact that I was following him. So he sped up. So, obviously, I sped up too. We got the second floor landing, the most beautiful of all the floors in this musty old hellhole apparently for that's when it first happened.

I caught his wrist and as if burnt he spun around, cradling the arm I touched to his chest and glowering at me with carefully constructed contempt. Like a house of cards, the anger blew out from under me, leaving me once again transfixed by his beautiful (very hurt) eyes. We must've looked an odd couple, red faced and panting on a dusty landing, but it really was an important day. Had this encounter not happened, despite the pain and confusing it caused for the three of us, it was vital to me falling hook, line and sinker.

''Firstly, don't call me Nymphadora. Secondly, let's go somewhere we can talk.**_ We are going to talk, Remus_**.'' It scares me how much I sound like my mother when I adopt **_that_** tone. And it's not the voice you mess with, and Remus caught on to that quickly, opening a door hastily and ushering me through.

Upon reflection, I think this is where he was headed. The library was all mahogany wood, somehow less dusty than anywhere I had seen in the house, most likely because it appeared to be a sort of Remus-cave. A stack of displaced books were perched on a table next to an old winged leather chair near the fire. Yes, it suited him very well, the lights low but warm and the door creating a silent spell of isolation over the room when closed. It felt like we were the only two people left in the world. I was intruding on his private space, but in a way he opened it for me, and only now do I see that- perhaps- there was always more to his affections toward the strange cousin of Sirius to him than just being friends.

''I know you heard us talking- but please listen- we weren't talking about you.'' I leant against a book shelf, arms crossed and staring at the new flames in the grate to distract myself from the nervousness he made me feel.

''Then who?'' His tone was still disbelieving, accusing even. But also, he spoke like a man who recognised the needlessness for a shouting match where both parties were convinced the other was in the wrong.

''Me.''

I'd be lying if I say that there wasn't this awful moment I thought he would laugh in derision and pity, or even worse jump back and give me a wary, untrusting look that most people do when they find out. You see, I was very careful to keep my hair the same shade of soft yellow as that first day we had met, not wanting the order (particularly him) from thinking less of me for it. It's a worry, a real fear that I can so easily deflect the insecurities that others may have, but because of that I'm never taken seriously.

''You-''

He sounded confused, and that's because I forgot to explain just how I was a dark creature. The poor man was looking at me and wondering what on earth was physically out of place, as if I would turn into a vampire and pounce any minute. Silly really, how you think people can be in your head, how they can just know what you're trying to say. So I put on a little show for him, closing my eyes and reopening them a light lilac colour, starting small to evade avoidable provoked reactions. Then I wrinkled my nose so it was small and button shaped, making my mouth a dark-tinted smile and then flashing my hair so it was long and brown. You could almost hear when the word 'metamorphagus' clunked into place.

He stared at me for a moment, the thin line of his mouth slackened at the eyes looked up at me, for the first time unguarded and open to believing me.

''You of all people know that darkness is hidden inside.'' I sighed, returning everything back to its original familiarity, which was my actual face (with a few cheeky improvements I've nearly convinced mother are 100% me).

During this time he stared at me with first a tiny, flattered smile and then understanding. His shoulders lost their height with the deflating anger and he rubbed the bridge of his nose tiredly. Then his eyes found me again, piercing as ever and I felt like a prize car up for inspection.

''You're not-'' he stopped, the words circulating in his head, but he was reluctant to out with it. He's very annoyingly controlled that way. He used words like they each have a heavy weight and could in fact be the nails to pin him to his martyred cross. ''Dora, inside I am a very ugly dark creature, from what I have seen, there couldn't ever be anything remotely ugly about you.''

Since you don't know Remus as I do, and even I at this time only had a vague inkling at what was being implied here, 'not being ugly' was Remus' way of saying to me that he thought me 'rather stunning, luv'. It was the highest praise any newcomer could have gotten from him, in fact I think I was one of the few who got these little backhanded compliments at all. And in that moment we locked eyes, and I felt very, very special.

It is just words of course, and people argue that they mean nothing. But as I already said, to Remus they cost a lot more than the frivolities I ramble out twenty-four hours a day. Yet, I still get all fluttery and warm just thinking about the sincerity he bled from his eyes. I didn't know then of course that the little excuses to touch me, to make me tea and talks about my day were his silent plea for more contact with others, with me.

There was a moment in which I knew, and he knew, that I should go back downstairs with Sirius, resume my drinking and hilarious conversations of my lovely cousin's several recollections of various humiliating sex-scapades. But where the accommodating and proper man would offer me a reason to leave, he remained carefully silent, watching me covertly from near his fire and holding a small smile on his face.

''So, what are you reading?'' It was a lame attempt at a conversation starter, I promise I usually do myself justice with something uniquely intriguing or memorable in an attempt to let people decide if they can be bothered to out up with weird without getting half way through a conversation with me. He didn't seem to mind, grasping at the straws to give an equally lame answer and witter on a little bit about some recent books he had read. I asked a few questions, and he answered politely. We were both happy to pretend we wanted to talk about books in some strange excuse for me to remain in the room a few minutes longer.

We wasted a whole 46 minutes, not that I was counting. And somewhere, I think about 23 minutes in, my head niggled at me ''you like this guy''. And obviously, once you think that there's no going back. He began to occupy my thoughts, I started sickeningly imagining little altercations in the hall between meetings as if suddenly his affections would do a 360 and he'd abruptly carry me off to some sunset. Silly really, I never liked princes. I liked werewolves.


	3. Chapter 3

It was a few weeks later, after Harry had been collected and an amicable relationship had been established between Lupin, Sirius and me, when I first started really considering anything like a relationship. Due to the full moon, our trio was down to a duo, half of which was Sirius so drinks were liberal and uncounted. We spoke about the order, how his godson was becoming 'a strapping young lad' and that McGonagall wasn't that old really and how Sirius most likely had a small (non-existent) chance with her. By this point I knew he was sloshed. Like totally gone. He had taken up drinking as more and more of a pastime since being shut in, and I knew I could've sent him to bed. But that meant risking my own loneliness so I let him keep gulping down elf-made wine and laughing at his eccentric ideas.

''Is Moony going to be my new daddy?'' Sirius' voice was that of a child. But the question took me so much off guard that I just gold-fished for a moment before tilting my head and looking at him with a mix of cautious questioning and delirious frustration at his uncanny ability to read the thoughts in my head.

''Sirius, I'm not your mother-'' as I said, he was sloshed and hoped his attention span was lowered to the point of forgetting the original point. I brushed my hair behind my ear, smiling falsely as if I were telling a joke and then taking a good gulp of my own neglected glass because really my throat was too dry for this conversation.

''You know what I'm asking.'' That damn bugger and his perceptive looks.

''No, no. He and I- we're not doing anything-er, currently.'' It sounded like I was lying, I didn't even believe myself though I of all people knew it was the truth.

''But you want to-'' he raised his eyebrow to begin with, wiggling it until I gave a small half-hearted hoot of laughter. Then he sat upright in his chair, looking quite sober and giving me a sympathetic sort of look that wasn't unkind, he even patted my knee a little bit as if it would console my childish crush on his best friend. See there are time, were times, when Sirius just comprehended exactly how you felt.

''Does everybody know?'' I looked up at him, setting aside my glass for what felt like the fiftieth time I had told myself I was going to stop. It suddenly felt a much colder and blander evening than it had ten minutes ago.

''Most likely.'' He stretched, clicking his back loudly and making me grimace for both the noise of his bones and my own selfish humiliation.

''Oh hell, does **_he_** know?'' I hit myself on the forehead, harder than I was really aiming for, but trying to drink alongside Sirius seriously impedes one's judgement of distance. If the answer to this was anything affirmative I told myself I had no choice, none at all, but to leave the Order and go live as a hermit somewhere in Wales. Yes, sounds like a much more attractive lifestyle.

''Moony? Nah, he's good at recognising this stuff but you've hit his blind spot.'' Sirius rolled his glass like a wine connoisseur, thinking over-dramatically before grinning and curling his feet under himself to match my own informal seating arrangements.

''That being?'' Biting the skin on the side of my thumb idly, Sirius gave me a look and I realised I was doing exactly what Remus did when he was thinking about something really hard. God, that's embarrassing. Next, I'd be rubbing the bridge of my nose when frustrated or hesitant- not that I watched Remus doing this or remembered for future reference…

''You.''

''Oh.'' I admit I had rather hoped Sirius would answer something of the like, but still the confirmation of someone else, particularly the man in questions only real friend, made it more real for me. I felt my cheeks flame up and I picked up the abandoned drink to hide the self-satisfied smirk that was stretching across my face.

''He's rather taken with you. I can tell.'' Sirius smiled genuinely, as if it were the best thing that could possibly happen. And I smiled back a little bit, because I knew that my secret was safe with him and that all the teasing was in good jest for our ears only. Contemplating telling me something, he leaned in conspiratorially, making me do the same. Then he whispered (with much spittle); ''when I asked **_him_** about **_you_** he adamantly refused to humour me, cut me off and changed the subject.''

I threw my head back in laughter, knowing that only Sirius would read in someone's behaviour this much. It occurs to me that he must have spent a fair few weeks watching the both us carefully, both alone and in group settings to make this massive mental schism. He was probably very proud of himself, certainly when we were both in the room at his mercy. Then again, what else was there for him to do stuck in that old house? I bet a prospective relationship and so henceforth fresh gossip would have very much bled into keeping his own sanity as into my own personal life's current gap of interesting events.

''So?'' I failed, I'm ashamed to say, to sound remotely as nonchalant as I intended.

''So, Moony is nice about everyone! Even Snape!'' His nose crinkled in dislike, rolling his eyes and acting once again like the drunkard that he was.

''I'm meant to be happy he isn't nice about me?'' I raised an eyebrow, trying to perpetuate the lighter tone of conversation. It worked to an extent, Sirius grinned at me and shook his head like I was a school child who got their times tables incorrect.

''Yes. You're different.'' He drunk the last of his drink and stood up, staggering off toward the stairs, effectively ceasing the conversation and leaving me to my thoughts.

I then started to question how good 'different' was meant to be. I mean if a guy was horrible to you and he was like six, then obviously it was a sign of him liking you. But it was basically a thousand years from the Remus I knew to childhood Remus, and it wasn't that he was being horrible, just not being nice. On the other hand, I quite liked the idea of being seen as different. In fact I had taken to wearing my hair in an array of different shades whenever I knew I'd be seeing him just so that he had reason perhaps to notice me. And according to Sirius something I had done was working.


	4. Chapter 4

Next we move onto a rather embarrassing event. Though it is begrudgingly very important to my recounting of this entire affair and so must be deliberated despite how much I think about it and feel it would be easier just to skip ahead and save a bit of face. Anyway so it was only a few days after the Sirius helped me realise how much I perhaps liked Remus, and saying it out loud and hearing it had messed with my little head.

It was contemplating a possible relationship, and even more mortifyingly wondering how I would go about asking Remus for a drink sometime, that it happened. Remus, of all people, was the only one in the entire world to walk in. Sirius, I suspect, was passed out still in Buckbeak's room and Kreacher refused to answer my calls. I didn't hear him come in from wherever the hell he had been, and I guess he heard the sad lonely whimpering of an animal that had long since given up being found. In fact I had resigned myself to dying on the kitchen floor with Eleanor the spider and Fluffs the dust-bunny when I heard a distinctive voice.

''Dora?''

Admittedly, this makes it even worse, I managed to convince myself that his voice was in my head- as it had been all day. I was then too busy contemplating when I allowed any man who wasn't my father to call me Dora, or even when he had started that particular nickname. I had just concluded that he had always called me such and that I didn't really seem to care so much when I heard the hoarse whisper again, only this time it wasn't in my head, it was just above it as he peered down at my tear-stained face.

''Dora, why are you on the floor crying?'' He was peering down a shocked look on his face that got a lot more serious once he saw I had been crying. I don't know why crying confuses men so much, I was in bloody pain.

''Ah- I fell.''

''How long have you been there? Where's Sirius?'' He leaned over to look into the kitchen as if Sirius would be sat on a chair with a cup of tea and biscuits just watching his cousin sob in pain. Perhaps he knew something I didn't.

''An hour or so, but don't worry he's here just- ah- can't hear me or his mother-'' it was true that good old Walburga had given up wailing near half an hour ago, after I stopped screaming for help and gave into the inevitable death I would suffer.

''You're injured.'' It wasn't a question and he got his wand out so quickly, tenderly looking at my face with a patience reserved for teachers and parents.

''Um I broke my ankle actually, fell right from the top and landed on that stone step-I did try to fix it, just-'' I tried to make a joke of it, but he had moved over me with much difficulty (forgetting that we could in fact apparate) and I stopped to stare at him peering at my foot. I hadn't noticed that I had trailed off, being far more interested in watching his concerned grimace as he crouched over my offending leg, then he looked up and stared me straight in the eye.

''What?'' Remus did a face that suggested he didn't want to hear what had happened to the purple and swollen joint, however he swallowed obviously steeling himself.

''I fixed the wrong bones together.'' It was detached even from me. I still don't thinking about it actually, as it is a tad bit embarrassing but also makes me relive the pain.

''How-how do you manage that?'' His voice was somewhere between disgusted fascination and exasperation, I know this because it was remarkably similar to the thoughts that I was feeling. His hands gently pulled up my jeans a little bit further and his thumb unknowingly traced patterns gently where he then rested the tip of his wand. ''Alright, okay. Dora, this is going to hurt. Ready?'' He looked at my face to see the sweaty, pale mess I had become and used his left hand to hold my hand. I must have nodded in this time. I heard him counting down from three, but my mind was focused on the fact that his warm, soft hand was gripping mine.

Oh it hurt like a mother fu- but then again I expected no less. I'm an auror, but God that did nothing at all to stop my eyes from watering (or my slight feminine grunt). A gentleman as ever, Remus passed me his handkerchief to wipe my nose and eyes, even looking away for a moment to give me a bit of nose-blowing privacy. Is it weird that that's the kind of thing I found remarkably endearing about him?

He helped me up to my feet, catching me near immediately as my ankle refused to hold any weight. Neither of us were surprised that it needed a few hours to calm itself down. However, the surprise came from the next occurrence. Fully expecting him to help me to a kitchen chair and make a good strong brew as Molly would have done, I was surprised to see him peering at me and then my ankle with an unidentifiable expression.

Before I knew what was happening I got very light and the world tilted a little bit. I actually wondered if I had fainted. But it turns out Remus had gracefully scooped me up in his arms like new husbands do with brides and held me tightly to his chest. Struck between believing I was dreaming (very happily so) and once again blushing furiously at the butterflies in my tummy at being so close, he began walking slowly up the stairs. Each step made me kind of rub against his chest a little bit and I realised how nice Remus smelt. That sounds weird and stalkerish. But seriously, it was like a musky, soapy smell with a tiny bit of smoke from sitting near the fire with a book too often.

Whilst I was thinking this he had carried me up three flights and was struggling to open a door. It was this awkward jostling that made me realise my head was rested on his shoulder, happily just breathing him in. only one thing was enough to shock me more than the fact that Remus was strong enough to carry me up three flights of stairs so effortlessly. And that was that I knew enough of the house now to recognise this, and here's the big gulp, was his room.

Resting on his bed (fully clothed and on top of the covers, thank you!), he placed a few pillows under my ankle and carefully removed both my shoes and socks for me. Normally it would be the kind of thing that I would protest to, after all being looked after is so frustratingly dull, but his fingers made little sparks prickle on my skin and I felt- treasured.

''Thank you, Remus.''

''Oh, Dora, what are we going to do with you?'' He summoned the old armchair from across the room so it was close to the edge of his bed. Sitting in it he leaned in and looked at my face with a recently calmed expression and a long sigh.

''Wrap me up in bubble wrap? Cover me in a cushioning charm?'' I winked at him jovially, wanting to lighten the mood because for whatever reason Remus had seemed to have taken a lot of responsibility for my clumsiness.

''I really feel we ought, '' he smiled a tad lopsidedly as if part of his mind was really considering it. His eyes then quickly glanced away from where they were locked on my eyes to stare at my foot. ''It feels alright, doesn't it? I can go get Molly or St. Mungo's if you want-''

''It's wonderful. Honestly, just a bit stiff.'' I smiled a bit too widely, having to correct myself at his disbelieving look. Really this man was worried about me and a small ankle problem when he was there having changed into a blood thirsty beast only days ago. Which actually jolted me into my own fretful state, the guilt of not asking him hit me in the face. He must have seen because he tilted his head and I was forced to throw in a cool, false tone; ''speaking of which, how did lady moon treat you?''

''Well enough now I have the potion, still not a barrel of laughs.'' He answered slowly as if deliberating telling me the truth, but deciding I was trustworthy enough after all. ''Thank you, for keeping Sirius company, he wants me to start changing here but- well, it did him good to have company.''

''Yes, I've noticed.'' I smiled at him nicely, and he shot me the same look straight back.

We fell into a compatible conversation, talking about nothing as usual but long enough for my eyes to grow heavy. His voice was soothing, pulling me further and further into my dreamy fantasies and away from the real world. Somewhere far away in the distance I heard the real Remus stop talking, as if he were staring at me. Then I felt the hot burn of skin against skin on my forehead and I was sure that I was dreaming because the real Remus wouldn't ever let that amount of intimacy pass between us.


	5. Chapter 5

When I woke I was waiting to see the room empty, or even worse be in my own room at home. However bleary eyes showed me a sleeping Remus in the chair next to me. His head was lolled down so his hair swept his eyes and his hand rested centimetres from mine as if we had been touching. I watched him for a while, enjoying the relaxed expression on his face. A banging from upstairs woke him up with a slight jolt and it was too late to pretend to be asleep. Before I could go red and apologise for blatantly staring at him being asleep, he offered me a warm wide smile.

''Hey.'' His voice was hoarse once more, but still as kind, and I thought prior-sleep Remus was the nicest one I had met as of yet.

''Hey,'' I echoed, my own voice just as groggy.

Then we simply looked at each other. Oh, it was like one of those soppy books and films, just searching each other's faces and filing it all to memory in this open session of admiration. Neither of us said anything and we both remained relaxed enough to just enjoy the company of each other and the darkness of the room.

''Moony, that's not exactly what they mean by sleeping with a girl.'' I jumped slightly from the voice, having to look over my shoulder to see the form of Sirius resting against the door frame and staring at the two of us. Luckily he hadn't really seen much from his position and hopefully he had only just walked past.

''What that's how you explained it to Peter back in fifth year? And mind dear Dora please, she injured herself.'' Remus talked as if he had been waiting for this intrusion, which knowing Sirius might have been more predictable an event had I had accounted for the face observing to ever end. Sirius had come across the room and was crawling across the bed, stopping only at Remus' voice to look at me like I might have green spots.

''Nah, fully clothed but both on the bed. What's up dear Tonksie?'' He began lifting my arms and poking random body parts waiting for my face to wince, jokingly he listened to an arm and tried to take a pulse, causing me to wriggle and squeal at his cold, ticklish hands on my neck.

''Managed to break her ankle and then fuse the wrong bones together in your kitchen, for over an hour.'' There was a significant look given between the two of them at the end of that sentence, one even I didn't miss.

''Ah-sorry.'' He looked genuinely sorry, looking at me directly in the eye with a serious regret and sincerity I might have only expected of Remus.

The awkward air could have been cut with a sharp knife, I actually considered twiddling my thumbs. Then the worst thing happened, my stomach made a long, dwindling rumble. Both the men stared at me in an impressed disbelief and my small cough did nothing to cover up the noise. After a moment, we all burst into loud spluttering laughs and it was like it always had been.

''I'll make some supper-'' he got up from the chair, giving another wonderful smile as if he couldn't keep them off his face quick enough.

''I want caviar.'' Sirius pouted, leaning back on the bed and crossing one leg across the other. King of his own castle that one.

''Sod off, Padfoot.'' And with that he had left the room to just miss Sirius' rude hand gesture.

Almost as soon as he had gone, Sirius sprang back up from laying down to turn and face me cross legged. Glancing back at the door and waiting a second before opening his mouth and looking down at me.

''Dear Dora, is it now?'' He raised an eyebrow and I turned my face away to hide the smile and blush that were forming at confirmation that someone else heard Remus say those words. Dear Dora, doesn't that sound lovely? Like a letter or, dare I say it, long-term life partner.

''So guess you and I are really never going to happen then- you've even gone boring brown for him!'' Sirius continued to pine away in his teasing dramatics. I had just opened my mouth to retaliate how even the Black's weren't that interrelated and twisted, when I realised with deepest shock that my hair was its natural dull colour. Shit, oh shit.

I flicked it through a few colours, Sirius smirking because he knew exactly what anger I was feeling with myself. After a while he began offering colours and then coming up with complex suggestions for what I should do with it, always one for challenges I readily excepted until the game turned into question and answer solving.

**_What colour would you meet a mother-in-law with? Job interview? Theme park? Rock concert? First date with the last guy you went on an actual date with? What is your absolute favourite?_**

''Oh I'm glad, I'm rather partial to the pink.'' Remus was in the door way, two trays floating behind him and the hall lights streaming behind him. Either the sight of him or the smell of the food made my mouth water.

He settled himself like Sirius, cross legged on the foot of the bed and passed them each a bowl of pasta in a creamy sauce. Totally unabashed Sirius stuck straight in, shovelling food ungracefully to his big mouth while Remus and I gave him a joint look of horror. Admittedly Remus' look was more desperate, it being his bedding that sauce was splattering. Turns out Remus is actually a fantastic cook, even if he claimed that this was 'really rather easy, no effort at all'.

They talked together, like the nights in the kitchen or drawing room, but with pasta and butter beer in place of the usual spirits. It made a nice change, and laying down propped on pillows wasn't bad wither. Full belly and a few card games later we were all fighting back the yawns, Sirius who should have had enough sleep for the decade was the first to make an excuse through a wide mouth. Secretly I'm sure that he went upstairs to drink and play with his hippogriff and give me some time with Remus, which I'll be forever thankful for.

Remus and I chattered a little bit, both now lying in bed on our sides and talking about whatever filled our minds. It wasn't deep and it wasn't so important that a near drifting me couldn't forget. Seemingly knowing this he made a small remark as to leave and the wright of the mattress shifted ever so slightly. My hand shot out before I knew it had.

''Please, don't go.''

And he didn't. I woke up bright the next morning in my clothes from the day before, pink hair splayed across the white linen pillow case and amber flecked eyes smiling across at me from the right side of the bed. We were barely a foot apart from each other, curled in as if seeking protection from one another. It might have been our first kiss, had either of us thought that the other wanted it. But neither did. So instead we got up, I left for home and I tried to file away the rush of deep emotion that I had created in just a short amount of time.


	6. Chapter 6

The order got a bit more complicated after this, I was forced in the role of trying to get all my auror duties done and had less time to spend pulling myself toward Grimmauld Place when I had watch in the ministry ten minutes after finishing the work that I had to do. It was stressful, Christmas approaching also meant that there were the added aggravations of being pulled into invitations for Christmas shopping, predominantly on my mother's side. I had seen flashing glimpses of Remus, but his furrowed brows told me how he was suffering in almost an equal manner from the sudden influx of work. Still, I humoured myself thinking, he always stopped long enough for a hesitant smile and quick word. Since the night of my ankle injury we had become slightly estranged, not in a bad way, but as if we were on new waters and neither of us were really quite sure how to navigate them.

The first night we spent in the same room with a night off was the night after the full-moon, nearly five weeks later. I came in from duty and immediately slumped onto Sirius' lap, wrapping my arms around my cousin for the well-deserved comfort of a human being. He chuckled and obliged to hug me back (even restraining himself from tickling, which was a feat for him).

''Rough few weeks, hey, Dora?'' Remus' hoarse voice was the only thing that could've pricked up my head from its exhausted collapse on my cousin's shoulder. I hadn't admittedly noticed him there, bee-lining to need to feel human.

Instead of answering I made a non-committal grunt and went back to resting my head against Sirius' keeping my eyes slyly on Remus' flickering form. He looked as tired as I felt, no points for guessing it was a difficult night for him the night before. Even so he chortled at me with a kind smile and offered me some tea.

''Nah, ta. I'll have some of my cousin's-'' to prove my point I gulped some of Sirius' mug which was far too sweet and far too milky to be classed as tea. Turning a grimace into smile casually I smiled heartedly. Though a brew did sound absolutely fantastic that meant either I had to move or Reus would, and he looked like he needed a sit down as much as I did.

''What am to you, furniture and beverage holder?'' Sirius exclaimed unhappily, pouting at me and tutting loudly to the room. I did notice however that his arms didn't lighten from around my waist, and my predictions were correct in assuming that the last few weeks of chaos had left Sirius quite alone in his house with little regular company from either me or his best friend.

''You're my bestest ever cousin! And I love you so, so much!'' To annoy him I kissed his cheek sloppily, holding him in a near headlock and laughing at his attempts to wrestle me off. Screaming my love through the shrieks of his foolish attempt to tickle me. I landed on the floor with a hearty thump, my bum sore but it was worth it for the light to once again be ignited in the man's eyes.

''It's a sad day when the only woman Sirius Black can get is his own cousin.'' He shook his own head in disappointment, sticking his tongue out at me childishly and guffawing that I was still sat on the floor.

I muttered something about men preferring buxom blondes and he loudly sighed about how I could be if I wanted. We finished our teasing with identical grins across once glum faces. Rearranging myself to sit on the floor between the two men, I enjoyed the warmth of feeling the fire heat my back. Remus it seems was still chuckling silently at our play-fighting and gave me a shy smile when I caught his eye accidentally. Thoughts of him all shy and mysterious still make me happy, back in the days I thought that he was naïve. Yeah, he's just indecisive and infuriating, but for the purposes of my story for how I felt then I will continue to say shy and mysterious instead of call him a pompous prat- again.

I was perfectly happy sitting there, occasionally muttering something about the last few weeks and catching up on order news, lazily soaking up the heat of the fire, rest and companionship I had been sorely lacking. I lay down carefully, putting my hands beneath my head and crossing my legs. We all fell into quiet reclusiveness, closing my eyes I just focused on the fact that here I was with my two favourite companions, cold tiles on my back and warm air on my face.

''How would you say you felt right at this moment, Dora?'' Remus broke the silence with a quiet voice, his head tilted and eyes running over my face.

''Well, I-hmm I guess- content?'' I leant up looking at him and trying to decipher what he possibly meant by that statement.

''Were you aware the ends of your hair curl when you're- content?'' His voice was soft, hypnotised almost as we all glanced at the bottom of my shoulder-length hair that had indeed coiled itself to little flicks.

I think my cheeks took on a small reddish hue and that feeling of being treasured engulfed me once again. It took a small while later for me to realise that Remus must have been watching me bathing in the firelight to notice such a small detail, and once again I felt like this special little trinket and I internally leaped for joy. I should've known then it had gone too far. Never had I ever before cared what a guy thought, I was a take what I give you kind of girl. Well, it's necessary of someone with my talents due to the corruptible nature of our relationships.

''How do **_I_** look?'' Sirius fluttered his eyelashes girlishly again, something he spent far too long doing, and then flipped his long tangled mane over one shoulder.

''Like a self-indulgent git.'' Remus replied in a bored expectant tone, the kind that made me think there was something telepathic between him and my cousin. Before Sirius could interject however, I cleared my throat and shot a serious look toward the werewolf's chair.

''Careful, Remus- us Blacks are like hippogriffs; we insult easily and can attack you nine ways to Sunday.'' I winked at him and he laughed heartily, nodding and then laughing loudly again at Sirius' shocked face. Thinking I had nearly got one over my cousin I smirked satisfactorily, patting his knee nicely and then looking at his still bewildered face.

''Oh merlin! I haven't fed Buckbeak!''

I never saw a man get up so fast and depart a room so readily to feed a starved and aggravated hippogriff. I probably won't again either since they're not really house pets. Remus and I found this very funny however, the prospect of being able to tease Sirius over nipped fingers and lightening the mood. I moved to Sirius chair, curling my legs up to my chest and resting my face against my knees. Once again I was aware of Remus observing me covertly, auror training taught me so much to keep my eyes fixed ahead, but in my peripheral vision I could see that careful smile and soft eyes raking across my childish and cat-like position.

He told once, months and months later, that in that moment he wanted to say he thought I was beautiful. So I think it's alright to interject here, that Remus really was gazing so fondly at me that I felt the roar of passion rile up inside me once again. It was near tangible, the fact that we liked one another quite dearly. And I barely knew the man, what on earth would my mother say?

The kitchen was warm enough for the time of year, just too premature for decorations to be donned but the first weak scatterings of snow on grassy verges across the country. Remus had finished his tea, and Sirius abandoned his so the two mugs sat side by side.

''I'm sorry I haven't been around often lately, without schedules and what not. I promise I found my world shockingly lacking without pink hair.'' His voice was slow and well-rehearsed enough to not sound scripted in his head like I knew it was.

''I missed you too.'' Its times like this I curse my inner inability to subtly imply things like he can so easily seem to do. But despite being a bit taken aback he soon grinned and looked back into the fire, committing the idea to memory.

We fell back into silence, not wanting to push the boat out any further I pinched my arms to stop blurting out some hideous confession or saying something embarrassing about muggle planes or types of tea. Instead I did my best to sit like a lady, with a good posture and delicate smile on my face, this was negated by an impulsive yawn taking hold of me ungracefully.

''Time for bed I think,'' he smiled so his eyes crinkled a little bit, standing up and brushing himself down. Then he offered me a hand, which I took because I wanted to initiate contact, not because I had any plans at all for going to sleep when there was a chance of more minutes sat with him.

Sadly we did walk to the door of the kitchen, which I only noticed when he dropped my hand to hold open the door for me. What can I say, the old fashioned chivalry was really starting to make me into a girl. I took one step up the small flight, where I had once lay motionless and been saved. Perhaps he was thinking about it too, or maybe I'm hopeful in wanting us to be in sync.

From over my shoulder I caught his face and entered a secluded and not-meant-to-be-seen expression. His soft expression, the one with carefully unguarded eyes and a misty sort of fascination. The kind of look you see in your head when you fantasise about blokes when you should be working. We both knew what was happening in that moment, because my face was nearly identical and I knew that he knew, you know?

To say we both knew makes me wonder why it still happened. Fate? Hope? Lust? A ridiculous inability to retrain oneself? But his lips met mine, and it was full fireworks and the whole shebang. From that moment onward I couldn't see myself with anyone else at all, and **_in_** that moment Voldemort could have walked in to our obliviousness, sat himself down and boiled the kettle. Shall I be really cliché? Yes, I shall. That stairwell kiss, our first kiss was like apparating for the first time. I didn't know up or down and I have absolutely no idea how long it went on for. All I do know is I was irrevocably taken with Remus, would do anything for him, and that his chest was pressed tightly against my own.

''I'm sorry.''

He pulled back, only one hand remaining lightly on the back of my neck so I wondered if he knew it was there at. He was leant away from me, just a fraction too far to lean back into another kiss, and that, I suppose was the purpose for that amount of distance he created between us.

Panic, regrettably, is the first thing that grips you in these situation. I looked up at him near heartbroken for this man I had only kissed once, wondering why on earth we weren't still pressed against the wall or better yet somewhere remarkably closer to his bedroom. It hadn't been a bad kiss, not in the least. It was toe-curling and gentle and passionate and wonderful- the most wonderful kiss I had ever experienced.

''Don't. Don't say sorry! Don't apologise and sound like you regret it. I don't, I don't regret it- I, I like you, Remus. I really like you-'' my voice died away to a cracked whisper. Pathetic, I mean as far as confessions go I'm sure there are beautifully scripted masterpieces or passionate monologues designed for this. A small blessing in this is that my voice ran out before I got onto justifying why I liked him- which would be embarrassing and ill-worded.

He looked at me as if I were some unsolvable puzzle. His eyes boring into me with a mixture of tenderness and downright fear, not that I blame him, the only thing keeping me there was the fact I was petrified to the spot. He started to talk, closing his mouth near immediately and coughing slightly. When he rubbed the bridge of his nose I could have cried, God, he was frustrated.

''I'm very fond of you, Dora.'' With that he brushed my cheek with his lips, stroking my hair with his thumb before withdrawing his hand and walking up the stairs.

I heard the door close and I was still stood there, eyes wide and mouth agape. My cheek burned and ridiculously I did the teenage thing of thinking how I was never, not ever, going to wash that side of my face again.


	7. Chapter 7

You must think me quite pathetic at this point, and yes, I was instantly taken with this man and I still to be honest can't pinpoint what exactly about him made my heart stop and tummy curl. He wasn't my type. That's what I tried to tell myself. I liked rash, confident and younger men, boys really. The type I could go to concerts with and take home with the pleasure of pissing off my mother with their tattoos and inappropriate piercings. I wanted loud and fun, always had and no one expected any less of me. Yet, this prematurely aged, very sensible and near totally mother-material man had captured all of my senses and I hadn't looked at anybody else in months.

The kiss, I'm sure you can gather, did nothing at all to help make this situation better. I became totally transfixed on thinking about Remus, about what I did to cause his sudden departure. I took to traipsing around Grimmauld place to speak to him, only to disappear with a squeak behind a random door whenever I heard someone approaching lest it be him. I had invariably lost my edge.

On one such occasion I found myself hiding in the upstairs drawing room after mystery footsteps , I had just leant against the door, my heart pounding and cursing myself on my cowardice (after all I was meant to be a brave grown up dark wizard catcher), when I heard the creak of the landing. To my absolute horror the handle of the room moved, and I was forced to jump back and lean very unconvincingly nonchalant against the low velvet sofa. It resulted in me stumbling and wanting to cry.

''Tonksie?''

The name itself made my heart jump. Not, Dora and not dreaded Nymphadora but the very personal nickname of Sirius'. I looked up at his face with a (hopefully) passive face, smiling widely and saying hello. He didn't look much too convinced, not that blame him really.

''You know, weird stuff's being happening around here-'' he said it airily, that look in his eye telling me was he was enjoying this far too much. As if to prove my point he barely waited for me to stutter out an obvious false question before he continued. ''Doors upstairs shutting just as I'm on the stairs, a disappearance of you whenever anyone enters a room and at least four times in the last three days iv sworn someone else has been in the house, but when I look there's no one there.''

''Certainly strange- weird as you said.'' I shrugged and looked away to hide my flaming temper. There was absolutely no need for him to rub it in so much.

''Why do you think these things are happening? Or rather what are you up to Nymphadora Tonks?'' he walked over, coming too close so he could tap the tip of my nose with his finger before falling heavily onto the sofa. I watched the small dust cloud collect before moving to sit on the opposite sofa.

So I had been rumbled. By the intelligence of Sirius, of all people, the one who flicks between very perceptive and ignorant as mud. Had to catch him on the week of alertness didn't I? Feeling like a failure to the desperate teaching of Mad-Eye Moody in the stealth and tracking, I perched on the edge of my seat playing with my hands and for the first time in my life being very careful about my wording.

''I've just been enjoying my time alone lately, and it's the smart thing to not get too attached to anyone in the Order.'' In fairness he listened to my awful excuses, looking at me like he was ashamed if I was being honest and amused if it were a cover up story. After a second of deliberation he looked up.

''In other words something happened between you and Remus three days ago that you're not telling me?'' He leant back, the agape fish mouth expression I was giving him proving every word he said was true.

An irritated part of me was vexed that he knew this and still let me think that I had a chance to lie my way through to a less awkward conversation. Now I had to face having lied and perhaps spill what was on my mind. However, another part of me, the more rational part thought about this much more positively. Sirius knew Remus better than anyone else in the order, probably even the world. Surly he would decode the strange dealings of Lupin's mind and help to make sense of why he totally blew me off after the perfect kiss.

Wait, what if only I thought the kiss was good? What if I'm a subpar kisser and no one ever told me because it might hurt my feelings? Oh god, I bet I'm too into it- or slobbery. I'm the slobbery crappy kisser! Kill me now. Poor bloke hated kissing me and now he has to put me down so that I don't get my hopes up.

Only, he said after the kiss that he was fond of me. I mean fond wasn't the strongest of adjectives. It could easily mean that he found me pleasant company, that I was funny and he appreciated my blind attempts to cheer Sirius up whenever I was around. Or, and this is a big or, it could mean that he liked me too-that like me, he had a big old crush on the pink haired weirdo. Dare I hope for it to be the latter? Surely that would be the most soul-crushing thing- to talk myself into thinking that he liked me when all he meant was that I told alright jokes sometimes.

''Earth to Tonksie.'' Sirius pinched my knee quite hard, ''look, I didn't know- well I wasn't certain- it involved you until I caught you hiding in a doxy infested drawing room with a look guiltier than Hagrid when dragons are mentioned.''

To be honest something in his voice made me believe him, but still I crossed my arms and exhaled loudly through my nose to defiantly point out that I wasn't saying anything. I was sure that if I started I wasn't going to stop. Then Sirius would know everything, tease me and leave little comments whenever we were in the same room. He seemed exasperated that I wasn't going to talk, brushing his hair off his face and leaning in with a quiet voice.

''See, Remus is being weird too. He won't even look at me and has only left his room for food…at night. It's like living with a sneaky house plant! He didn't do anything inappropriate did he? Didn't fight with you over something stupid and get all pompous thinking he was right?''

There it was the escape route, offered to me by my interrogator. All I had to do was say we had a right about werewolf rights or something like that, which was believable enough due to his sensitivity about these things, and I could leave to never be found out- say I was going to apologise and explain the cover story to Remus. But I couldn't do that, not to Sirius in his own house when he was already suffering so.

''No, nothing like that.'' I paused breathing for a second, ''we kissed.''

Sirius looked at me like he wasn't sure who exactly I was. Mercifully, he seemed somehow expectant of this news, contemplative really. I saw the serious expression settle defiantly into his face as each second ticked by, stretching into an awful silence.

''Ooh, Tonksie- what have you done?'' His voice was soft, so soft it was as if the words themselves were written in the air to be read rather than heard. Sirius shook his head slowly, raisng a hand to bite absently on the side of his thumb.

''I didn't do anything! He started it-''

''No, no- that's not what I meant.'' ''Moony, Remus doesn't kiss- not at least with anyone he could meet ever again-''

The man looked so bewildered that I was almost insulted that Sirius could be shocked anyone could find me amicable. But the other edge of this shock was the knowledge that this really was a rare occurrence, and anything that shocked Sirius was indeed big news. I had nothing to say, no smart comment to establish the usual grounding, so I left us float in awkward silence. Both staring and swallowing harshly until Sirius broke the silence with quiet amusement.

''Tonks, I think you broke through to him.''

I wasn't entirely sure what 'breaking through' was going to mean to my friendship with Remus. But as far as Sirius was concerned he kept his grave face and left the room, I heard his footsteps head upstairs back to Buckbeak. Maybe I was naïve where Remus was concerned, that I never knew how he detested people liking him because he seemed so naturally likeable. All I knew, for certain that was, was that dear Remus Lupin did not treat me like anyone else.

It's a strange sensation, though my heart swelled with happiness that I was different (even if I had detested being so half my life), another bigger part aware different isn't always positive. It was scary. Any normal person might allow a bit of time and space to think before confronting this problem, I however, am not normal and decided (impatiently) that I could never rest unless I confronted Remus right at that second.

I was going to talk to him, I decided. We were going to behave like adults (this was geared originally toward me) and re-establish the boundaries of either our friendship or our something-more-than-friendship. Really quite simple objectives. I have learnt in my life that basic aims lead to higher chance of success, due to the indestructability of coherent objectives as they are neither forgettable nor breakable. In other words they are water-tight, you do them or you fail. And I do not like to fail.

''Go away, Sirius.''

''It's not Sirius.''

''Oh, Dora.'' The door opened a fraction, a slither of his tired face came into view and he gazed just above my head on the opposite wall.

''I'm sorry, but I would like to be alone.''

''I need to talk to you.''

''I do not think that is advisable.''

''Fine! Well, I'll talk thorough the door then. Can you hear me or do you want me to raise my voice? Tell you what I'll shout shall I so Molly and Kreacher and Sirius can know all about how you kiss-''

The door swung open to a very annoyed Remus. He was in his pyjama bottoms and a woolly jumper that suggested he slept topless (I saved away this information), his cheeks tinged with a high pink colour and a sour face. I raised a smug eyebrow and entered the room by bending underneath his stretched arm.

Sitting cautiously on the edge of his bed, I thought about how close we were. How he carried me here to his bed so tenderly after my fall and stayed with me all night to talk and sleep. It seemed weird that a week ago all I had was an unrequited crush and necessary friendship with a man who now couldn't look at my face for kissing me.

He stood by the window, a face like a child in the office awaiting punishment, back against the wall and eyes averted to the floor. I wondered if he knew that this talk of ours was going to happen. I'm sure someone as clever as he did know, but often academic types are in reality very dumb when it comes to the blaringly obvious. If he was reluctant to talk at all, he must have been more reluctant to let me gain the higher ground, he began to mutter a bit of nothings at me about mistakes and drinks.

I cut him off then, very calmly mind you, though I felt like punching his stupid lying face. It's hard to be a witch and not believe in magic, but this kind of magic is more metaphorical, but even so I'm sure he felt it too. It was right, us kissing was right! Why couldn't he see that?

''I'm sorry- Dora. Dora, I can't stop myself – I, I-'' he stuttered at me, infuriatingly adorably. This I admit caught me off-guard, even more curiously it stopped all the animosity I felt toward him. The man sounded scared.

That's the kind of man he is, and this would of course creation problem upon problem for us one say. Remus was scared of accepting love, because that meant he had spent year upon year being wrong about himself. No, he wasn't allowed to accept love, lest he be thrown from his saint-like abstinence of care into the dark depths of the common folk. Oh, I'm being mean. Just- I wonder- if in this moment I had convinced him a bit better, if he had accepted me right then we would still be smiling.

''Remus, I don't want you to stop yourself,'' I implored, maybe a tad too desperately.

''I don't like the lack of control. I've never- I don't-'' he paused, hands running through his hair like a mad man, before he stopped looking me dead in the eye. ''I think I love you, Dora.''

And bam, my world ended.

I laughed. And thinking back now that maybe wasn't the appropriate reaction to a man declaring, in obvious discomfort, his love for you. He seemed to think so too because he sharply looked at me until he saw my crazed smile was covered by hands and I had unescapable tears running down my face. That's when he came closer, sitting next to me and staring equally stonily at the floor.

''I'll try not to love you. We'll go back to how we were.''

No words were going to do. I didn't learn that quick enough about Remus, that words are precious to him but he puts very little trust in them. Its actions you need, and some sixth sense told me this. Well, a sixth sense or raging hormones. I pressed my lips to him, wrapping my arms carefully around his neck and trying to pour everything I had in me to this man. His hands rested carefully on my hips, I felt them squeeze uncertain whether to push me off or pull me closer.

He settled for closer.


End file.
